Brand new XPS 9350 "Plugged in, Not Charging" fiasco

Hello all,

I need help. I'm pretty frustrated with Dell and I'm hoping there's some resolution I can find here, because the four tech support/customer service reps I've spoken to have been unable to resolve my issue.

I ordered my XPS 13 9350 on Monday July 29th, with 2 day shipping. It arrived on Wednesday, the 31st. I plugged it in, started it up, and began configuring it. Once I got to Windows, I noticed the "Plugged in, Not Charging" status on the batter in the task bar, with a battery of 1%. I did some research and found a number of suggestions, but most of them either A) happened to their laptop after they had owned if for a while and/or B) it would not charge past a certain percentage. I ran a diagnostic at startup and it indicates it cannot detect a battery. The Diagnostics page in BIOS indicates no battery communication (though the stock 45W charger is working fine). BIOS version is 1.3.3, and I know 1.4.4 is out, but Dell requires there to be at least 10% battery to update BIOS and well, I fall about 9% shy of that number. Splendid. 

After this initial investigation I hopped into tech support chat. After some discussion, it was recommended to return the defective device and receive a new one. Annoying, but acceptable. After being transferred around to a number of CSR's I eventually was told I could not return the device for a new one, so I could either send it in to be inspected and fixed which would take 14 business days, or go back to tech support and receive a $40 discount. I have no idea what they meant by that, but I was pretty upset.

Eventually decided to call, and spoke with tech support for an hour. He decided the battery was the issue, and would have one sent to me next-day. I'm a little disappointed I have to disassemble my brand new laptop and install it myself, but I'm certainly capable so I agree. Now it has been nearly a week, and the service ticket is still is Status: Delayed with an Estimated Arrival Date:05/09/2016 (which is either in 4 months ago or I've been displaced to Europe without my knowledge). 

I need to know what my best course of action is. I need to be able to use this laptop on battery power (not just plugged in) as soon as possible as this was purchased to be used while traveling. Return for a refund, buy a new one? Wait for the battery and hope that's the problem (and not hardware/BIOS/ )? Escalate this somehow and get someone who actually can help me?

Thanks so much for all your help. I'd be happy to provide order #/service tag/ Request #/Dispatch # if it will help.

~Kevin