Brand new Aurora R5, Major Problems

TLDR:

Computer locks up constantly, sometimes right when I log into Windows, sometimes when I open a browser, sometimes when I alt+tab out of a game, sometimes when I exit a game. Average time between lock-ups is down to 5-10 minutes, longest I've seen is an hour or two. Errors I'm seeing are below.

Long version:

My last Alienware died after 3 years of heavy use, so I got this new pretty. Problem is, since I received it last Friday night I've spent nothing but every day/night trying to troubleshoot and resolve the below errors:

Errors:

This every 3-10 seconds (this is the primary one I've seen across the board between all of the different things I've tried):

Display driver nvlddmkm stopped responding and has successfully recovered.

About 5 billion of these (included multiple bits of information included at the end):

The description for Event ID 13 from source nvlddmkm cannot be found. Either the component that raises this event is not installed on your local computer or the installation is corrupted. You can install or repair the component on the local computer.

If the event originated on another computer, the display information had to be saved with the event.

The following information was included with the event:

\Device\UVMLiteProcess5
Graphics SM Global Exception on (GPC 0, TPC 3): Physical Multiple Warp Errors

\Device\UVMLiteProcess5
Graphics Exception: ESR 0x50e648=0x9 0x50e650=0x4 0x50e644=0xd3eff2 0x50e64c=0x17f

\Device\UVMLiteProcess5
Graphics SM Warp Exception on (GPC 1, TPC 4): Illegal Instruction Encoding

\Device\UVMLiteProcess5
Graphics Exception: ESR 0x50de48=0x20009 0x50de50=0x4 0x50de44=0xd3eff2 0x50de4c=0x17f

My computer has locked up so many times that Windows has now disabled my graphics cards (both the GTX 1070 and the Intel one according to device manager).

Additionally, my DVD drive doesn't open unless I use a pin. It just sits there and clicks at me repeatedly if I push the button. I can live with that (even though I shouldn't have to, I just don't care that much), but right now with the graphics card not functioning I essentially have a $1500 paper weight for all the good it does me.

I have tried:

1. Updating to the latest NVidia drivers.

2. Downgrading to 5 sets of drivers lower than that, with a clean install and using DDU in safe mode between attempts.

3. Increasing TDR Timeouts to 10 seconds, then 60 seconds

4. Disabling TDR Entirely

3. I have a MSDN subscription so I downgraded from Windows 10 to Windows 7 (which didn't work.... Windows 7 wouldn't recognize my USB Mouse/Keyboard no matter which port I plugged them into so I couldn't do the configuring portion post install)

4. Rollback to the recovery drive partition (which is where I currently am). Both video cards have been disabled by Windows due to crashing too many times and I'm running Support Assist Checks (DVD drive failed)

Up next:

1. Clean install of Windows 10 (MSDN)

2. Asking for help here

3. Asking Dell if I can return this paperweight for something that works

Anyone have any ideas? I'm at my wits end and tired of troubleshooting something that should have worked out of the box.