Alienware Advanced Gaming Mouse AW558

Didn't find a section for mice specifically, so posting in Alienware Desktops as it's as close a match as any. 
Just to be clear, I searched your forums/kb before posting, and found nothing that helped.

Either need a left handed AW558, or some method to deactivate the two thumb buttons on the left side. 

By the way, I hate the jerk that decided that "ergonomic" hardware would all be made for right handed people, especially when left handed people makes up about 15% of the market. 

Yes, I tried the Alienware Command Center, but it doesn't allow that kind of control. (Seems odd since I've had much better mouse customization software over a decade ago, but that old software won't work for the new stuff. Too bad.)
I've tried attaching macros that do nothing. Didn't work. 
I've even tried macros that just use the shift key which is usually innocuous if you aren't hitting another key. That also failed. 

So how do I either swap this for a left handed version, or disable those two buttons on the side? 
Help is greatly appreciated.