You said you installed all critical updates -- that is good.

I had a similar problem of not having USB support after a reinstall.  Go to device manager and see if window's can't identify any of the hardware.  Eitherway, try uninstalling/removing the USB controllers and then resetting and see if it works.

Also, make sure you have the latest dell chipset drivers.  You could also try flashing the bios.

does everything look normal in device manager.  you should either have an unidentified device with no driver or have an installed enhanced controller.  if you have neither I'd say it's a hardware problem

I have done all of that. The drive works, its just not recognizing my enhanced usb controller, which won't allow it to run at hi-speed. anyone know where to get the drivers for those?

Well like on my 5100 I have 3 universal host controllers and one enhanced host controller installed.  Windows shouldn't install a driver if it's the wrong thing ... especially if you have uninstalled each of the universal host controllers and reset already

You're absolutely positive an 'unknown device' isn't listed elsewhere in device manager?

As for drivers, to my knowledge they're all provided by microsoft...

well the 8000 only comes with usb 1.1 ports so that message is correct & not software fixable. you can tweak the registry so balloon warnings do not pop up but that's a different matter.
if you want enhanced usb support aka usb2 then you'll have to get a usb2 pcmcia card & have sp1 installed.

You have to be kidding me?  Grrr, remind me to check on specs before trying to help people next time